


Family Snitch of the Gay Kind

by PredictableDisaster



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Earth C (Homestuck), F/F, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), rox/calli in the bg, so is davekat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:08:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24144889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PredictableDisaster/pseuds/PredictableDisaster
Summary: The StriLondes have literally one braincell and none of them can use it.Even to help their lesbian disaster Rose.
Relationships: Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam
Comments: 12
Kudos: 46





	Family Snitch of the Gay Kind

**Author's Note:**

> i had this dumb idea before i fell sleep for the mornin' and i was like know what let's do it im bored

\---timaeusTestified[TT] started pestering grimAuxiliatrix[GA]!---

TT: Hey, Kanaya.  
GA: Hello Dirk  
GA: To What Do I Owe This Pleasure  
TT: Just wanted to check up on my sister-in-law, the troll who made an honest woman out of my ectodaughtermother. Like a good ectosonfather would.   
GA: I Am Doing Well  
GA: Thank You For Your Concern  
GA: How Are You  
GA: If Im Not Mistaken Rose Visited You Today  
GA: Has She Left  
TT: Yeah, she left a few minutes ago. She said she was going to get you guys some dinner so you didn't have to cook.  
TT: I do admit though, I have a few questions swimming around in my head for you.  
GA: Oh  
TT: Yeah don't worry. You don't have to answer ones you're uncomfortable with. I just wanted some other opinions for something I'm writing.  
GA: Ah I See  
GA: I Hope I Can Answer As Much As I Can  
GA: And That None Of Them Are Too Embarrassing  
TT: Yeah I'm not too sure I'm a good judge of that.  
TT: Anyway, I was going to write some romance stuff and the characters are married. I figured since you're married yourself you could give me some nice first-person insights.  
GA: That Is True  
GA: However You Are Aware That Rose Is Also Married  
GA: Who Coincidentally Is My Wife  
GA: And Your Human Family  
GA: Who Was With You Several Minutes Ago  
TT: I know Kanaya, I already got some good info from her. Figured getting your opinion would be helpful too.  
GA: I See  
GA: However I Do Think That Rose And I Would Have Similar Answers  
TT: Doesn't matter, your opinion still counts.  
GA: Okay Ask Away I Suppose  
TT: Do you think you can fall even more in love with your spouse because of their not very graceful actions?  
GA: Not Very Graceful Actions  
TT: Yeah. Like.  
TT: When they trip then say sorry to what tripped them.  
TT: Or when they still use the utensil that fell on the floor and say it's fine just because they dusted it off.  
TT: Or when they spill a drink onto their shirt and they just stare at it then start licking it.  
GA: I Will Admit  
GA: To Possibly The Embarrassment Of Our Dear Rose  
GA: That I Have Seen Her Do That Last One  
GA: It Is Incredibly Endearing And I Will Not Deny To Have Felt Like Being In That Meteor Again And Falling In Love With All Her Little Human Quirks  
GA: No Matter How Odd I Found Them  
TT: Cute.  
TT: Next question.  
TT: Rose once told me that you're an early riser. And if she's anything like me, she rises only when the sun's at its zenith.  
TT: Does that bother you?  
GA: No  
GA: She Didnt Sleep Much Back In The Game And I Let Her Sleep In As Long As She Wants To Make Up For It  
GA: Additionally I Do So Love Watching Her Stir When I Leave The Bed And Start Patting Around For My Presence  
GA: She Makes Little Noises Not Unlike A Wriggler Looking For The Warmth Of The Mother Grub  
TT: Ever have to force her up?  
GA: Sometimes  
GA: I Dont Like Doing It Often Due To The Same Reason I Let Her Sleep In  
GA: But Sometimes She Asks Me To  
GA: And Sometimes  
GA: I Want To Surprise Her With A Nice Breakfast  
GA: She Is Not Very Coherent When I Do And It Is A Little Worrying Watching Her Miss Her Mouth With The Fork Or Spoon  
GA: But Watching Her Slowly Wake Up Then Smile With Little Bits Of Food Still Stuck To Her Face And Teeth  
GA: Is A Very Amazing Experience  
TT: You guys can give a healthy man diabetes. And that's exactly what I want to write.  
TT: Thanks for this Kanaya. This was helpful.  
GA: It Is No Problem Dirk

\---timaeusTestified[TT] stopped pestering grimAuxiliatrix[GA]!---

\---tipsyGnostalgic[TG] started pestering grimAuxiliatrix[GA]!---

TG: heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyy  
TG: kanaynay  
GA: Good Evening Roxy  
GA: I Thought You Rose And Calliope Were Having A Movie Night  
TG: yeaaaah lmao we be watchin some bitchin movies rn  
TG: rose introduced me to this vamp movie that was apprantely popular in her time??????? its some wild shit ngl  
TG: *apparently  
TG: reminds me of u tbh like they glow n shit  
GA: Ah I Know The Movie You Are Talking About  
GA: It Is  
GA: An Experience  
GA: Is All I Can Say  
TG: lmao imma take a wild guess n say that this is u n rosies guilty fave of a mvie  
TG: *movie  
GA: I Will Neither Confirm Nor Deny That Without The Presence Of The Other Concerned Party  
TG: lmao thats almost what rose said cept it was all in a smile  
TG: i really see dirk in her she can like say a whole sentence w just her facial expressions  
TG: *wipes a tear* just like her old man/son  
GA: Yes It Is An Interesting Skill The Two Share  
GA: Though Not To Brag But It Is Also Quite A Skill To Learn How To Interpret Them  
TG: lmao yeah ryt?????  
TG: like its a whole new damn language  
TG: but we be masters of that particular brand of strilonde language  
TG: we have a doctorate we shoved in some cheap frame n hang in the livin room like its the pride of the hoyse  
TG: *house  
TG: man ive been hangin with dave a lot these days his ironic metaphor gig is rubbin off me  
TG: oh well lmao hell think its flatterin or whatevs  
GA: I Think He Will  
GA: Forgive Me Roxy But As Much As I Enjoy Speaking With You  
GA: I Assume You Have Business With Me Seeing As You Usually Do Not Bother To Chat Other People When You Are Having Your Movie Nights  
GA: Except To Send Out Of Context Reactions And Quotes  
TG: hahaha yeah top shit  
TG: idk girl cant a bro just check up on his sisterdaughters wife?  
GA: I See  
TG: lmao okay okay put that doubtful sound outta ur text sister-in-law  
TG: just cuz u aint ectorelated to us ur still our family  
GA: While That Warms My Blood Pusher To No End  
GA: And My Sentiments Are The Same  
GA: I Sense That There Is A Hidden Agenda  
TG: alright alright kankan  
TG: you sussed me out  
TG: i just hads me some questionsssssss  
GA: Questions  
GA: What Kind Of Questions  
GA: Because Your Human Familial Unit Of Strider-Lalondes Has A Very Large Range For The Type Of Questions You Ask  
GA: Ranging From How Do Your Socks Feel When They Are Mismatched  
GA: To  
GA: The Ramifications Of Being A God At A Young Age To Your Self-Worth Or Pride  
TG: lmao rose actually asked that first one to me once  
TG: we had one helluva convo  
TG: it was toit  
TG: but idk this might be like pretty lukewarm compared to our usual brand o strilonde bullfuck  
GA: That Is Mildly Comforting  
TG: awesomesauce  
TG: so u down for some good ol noir film interogation missus maryam-lalonde?  
TG: *interrogation  
GA: I Suppose I Find No Harm In It  
TG: you aint gon regret ur choice doll  
TG: okay so  
TG: what do you think of like  
TG: blanket forts  
GA: Ah Your Fictitious Bastion Made From Soft Materials Commonly Found On Sleeping Platforms  
TG: man  
TG: im more surprised rose didnt jump u the moment u opened ur mouth arnd her tbh  
TG: but yeah that  
TG: whats ur oniions on them  
TG: *opinions  
GA: They Are Quite Nice  
GA: Very Comfortable To Spend The Night In Should It Be Made Properly  
TG: and w the right company  
TG: ;)))))))))  
GA: Yes  
TG: awesome so now what do u think of stargazin  
GA: A Very Relaxing Activity  
GA: The Stars Here Are Very New And I Do Admit To Missing The Ones I Knew In Alternia  
GA: But It Is Still Nice Learning The New Patterns In The Sky  
TG: yeah i feel ya on that one kandy  
TG: the stars back in my earth was waaaaaaaaay different from the ones here  
TG: still i love dem stars and not just cause im a void player lmao  
TG: or maybe it IS bc of that  
TG: *x-files theme*  
TG: lmao anyway  
TG: what do you think abt picnics  
GA: I Am Starting To Assume You Are Planning Something  
GA: Innocent As These Tasks Are I Have Learned From Experience That You Strider-Lalondes Are More Than Meets The Ganderbulbs  
TG: GANDERBULBS  
TG: LMAO  
TG: okay valid but  
TG: u married into this family kantaloupe  
GA: And Despite All Of Your Alien Eccentricities I Wouldnt Have It Any Other Way  
TG: awwwwwwwww kanterbury youre so sweet imma get diabeets  
TG: but trust me sistah im just a curious lil dude cause i wanna know if u think the idea imma bout to propose to you is insane or genius  
GA: I Might As Well Temper The Idea Should It Be Too Much Of The Former  
TG: hahahaha yeah ok thats valid  
TG: i had this super fukcin max idea to merge all those ideas  
TG: a picnic while stargazin inside a blanket fort  
GA: That  
GA: Actually Sounds Very Nice  
TG: rihgt?????? my thoughts exactly  
GA: Though I Do Worry About The State Of The Blankets And Pillows  
GA: And How To Arrange The Soft Bastion Outdoors  
TG: i have an idea for that  
TG: consider:  
TG: doing it inside  
GA: What Of The Stargazing Aspect  
TG: replace em w little fairy lights yo  
TG: you can make your own constellations w em as a bonis  
TG: *bonus  
GA: Oh  
GA: Rose Has Done That Before  
GA: In The Meteor  
GA: It Was  
GA: Very Very Nice  
TG: you guys r so damn cute  
TG: but yeah that was my awesome ass fuckin idea  
TG: glad u think its as awesome as fuck as i do  
TG: thank a whole fucktruck kandlestick  
GA: You Are Welcome Roxy

\---tipsyGnostalgic[TG] stopped pestering grimAuxiliatrix[GA]!---

\---turntechGodhead[TG] started pestering grimAuxiliatrix[GA]!---

TG: yo kan  
GA: Hello Dave  
GA: Is There Something Wrong  
TG: just wanted to check up on the troll jumpin my sisters bones  
TG: nothin big  
GA: I Am Starting To Wonder What You And Your Human Family Want From Me  
GA: This Is The Third Time One Of You Has Started Off A Conversation With Me  
GA: Saying You Desire To Check Up On My Well Being  
GA: And Then Continue On To Ask Me Questions  
GA: Will You Be Doing The Same  
TG: well at least its great to know us strilondes literally have one braincell  
TG: and nobody ever knows who has it  
TG: its like a custody battle none of us want to be apart of  
TG: like yes your honor that is my child no your honor i have never seen them ever in my whole life  
TG: but i will be needing them to form some sort of coherent and not super shitty thought that might just lead me to what i want to do  
TG: oh no i dont want to keep them your honor too much effort i dont want to put in  
TG: im just gonna borrow them from one of my siblings here and there to do something  
GA: Dave What Are You Saying  
TG: aight aight  
TG: ill be straight with you  
TG: lmao nah fuck that shit actually  
TG: didnt have a whole breakdown of toxic masculinity to go back to that bullshit  
TG: ill be gay with you  
TG: the other two probably thought they were being slick as shit  
TG: and they might have succeeded in all honestly cause they *are* some slick bastards  
TG: but if you put in half a thought its real easy to see why theyre asking  
TG: so ill just lay it down to you  
TG: with this  
\---turntechGodhead[TG] sent a file!---  
TG: its not anything weird nor one of my newest illest beats  
TG: just said fuck you to beating around the bush and just throw all my cards out  
GA: Oh  
GA: Oh My  
GA: Does Rose Know Of This  
GA: I  
GA: Oh Dear  
GA: Dave Is Rose Aware You Recorded Her Gushing For  
GA: Two Minutes And A Half  
GA: About Me  
GA: Dave  
GA: Oh Gog She Doesnt Know Does She  
GA: And I Am Assuming She Found Out While I Was Listening  
GA: And Is Now Attempting To Skewer You  
TG: GOT IT IN ONE MARYAM  
GA: Maryam-Lalonde  
GA: I Expected No Less  
GA: Though This Does Put Into Perspective Some Recent Interactions  
GA: Where Is Dear Dave  
TG: GOT CHASED OUT OF THE HIVE AND MAYBE INTO TROLL KINGDOM  
TG: IT WAS ACTUALLY LONGER THAN WHAT DAVE SENT  
TG: SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU FOR HALF AN HOUR LIKE SOME WRIGGLER THAT JUST LEARNED HOW TO USE ITS SQUAWK GAPER AND WON'T SHUT THE FUCK UP  
TG: IT WAS EQUAL PARTS GRIPING ABOUT HOW SHE'S PROBABLY FUCKING UP SOMETHING, NOT SAYING SHE LOVES YOU ENOUGH, IF YOU ACTUALLY LIKE THAT STUPID MUG SHE BOUGHT YOU YEARS AGO BECAUSE IT REMINDED HER OF YOU AND SAYING HOW MUCH SHE THINKS YOU'RE THE BEST THING SINCE FUCKING SLICED GRUBLOAF  
TG: IT WAS DISGUSTING TO LISTEN TO  
GA: I Would Like To Point Out That Dave And You Are Guilty Of The Same Thing On Occasions  
TG: FUCK OFF KANAYA  
TG: ONE SECOND THEY'RE BACK  
TG: I'M GOING TO STOP THIS INSANE WRIGGLER FIGHT  
TG: HOPEFULLY MY BOYFRIEND'LL STILL BE IN ONE PIECE  
GA: Best Of Luck To You Karkat

\---turntechGodhead[TG] stopped pestering grimAuxiliatrix[GA]!---

\---grimAuxiliatrix[GA] started pestering tentacleTherapist[TT]!---

GA: Rose  
TT: Kanaya.  
TT: The love of my life.  
GA: Flatterer  
TT: Guilty as charged.  
GA: I Hope You Know I Am Rolling My Eyes At You  
TT: I do. In part because I know you very well and all your little tics and reactions to my childish actions have been saved in a very precious space in my head. And also because you are sitting in the couch a few feet away from me and I have a complete view of you from my position here on the armchair.  
TT: Looking absolutely lovely as always.  
TT: Yes, my love, I can see you raising your eyebrow at me as well.  
GA: Good To Know  
GA: This Does Make Me Wonder However  
TT: Hmn?  
GA: You Flirt With Abandon And Make As Many Suggestive Comments You Can To Watch Me Squirm  
GA: Though Hmm I Must Say I Am Not Exempt From That  
GA: It Is Quite Lovely Seeing You Get Flustered  
TT: And that is why I find it to be quite the worthwhile pastime, love.  
GA: Shh I Have A Thought Process That Id Rather You Not Interrupt  
GA: As It Is However I Do Find It Rather Endearing That You Dont Have The Same Confidence For Much Else In Our Relationship  
GA: Yes Rose I See You Raising Your Eyebrow At Me  
GA: I Have A Point And You Know It  
TT: I will not incriminate myself, Mrs. Maryam-Lalonde. But you must admit that you are quite the same.  
GA: While That May Be True  
GA: Unlike Yourself I Do Not Have A Familial Unit That Subtly Asks My Wife Things I Am Too Shy To Ask  
GA: Such As If My Wife Would Be Filled With Immeasurable Love Just Because I Am Not Graceful All The Time  
GA: Or If She Would Enjoy An Amalgamation Of Activities Which She Has Historically Showed Much Enthusiasm And Happiness Doing  
GA: Or If She Knows That I Love Her Very Much Even Though If I Had Merely Asked Her I Know She Would Write Me Epics That Would Be Sung Through All Possible Universes And Timelines  
GA: Though I Know That My Friends Would Do The Same Quite Especially Karkat  
GA: I Am Confident That I Would Be Able To Approach My Wife Before They Even Think Of Asking Her Anything  
GA: ...  
GA: Rose  
TT: I  
TT: Am going  
TT: To murder  
TT: My Family.  
GA: I See Your Familicide And Instead Offer  
GA: The Activity Of Cuddling  
GA: Here  
GA: In The Space On The Couch Next To Me  
GA: Or Specifically  
GA: In My Arms  
TT: ...  
TT: Very tempting.  
GA: I Assure You It Will Be A Much Better Use Of Your Time  
TT: ...  
TT: ......  
TT: .........  
TT: You have swayed me.  
GA: And Let The Masses Rejoice  
GA: I Love You Rose  
TT: ...  
TT: I love you too, Kanaya.

\---grimAuxiliatrix[GA] stopped pestering tentacleTherapist[TT]!---


End file.
